It has been a week since my arrival in Saloum, Egypt, on the border of Libya, to assume my new UNHCR post in response to the emergency situation of refugees fleeing the Libyan situation. Saloum is a traditional Bedouin community where women are not allowed to walk on the streets unaccompanied by men. It is far from the tourist attractions in Egypt and the center of life in this small town is the military installation and the cross-border traffic that apparently goes on 24 hours a day. This is not an easy place to live in, and many of the conveniences that I am used to are simply not available. There are no restaurants or fast-food places–well, actually there may be one or two, but certainly not the type that a foreigner like myself can just casually stroll in and order food. There are stores, yes, but again, they are not 7-Eleven, and they do not have ice cream.

Our residences are also rather basic, but it’s the 10 pm curfew and security precautions imposed on all staff that make our life here rather difficult. We are all, of course, cognizant of the fact that we are working in an emergency situation, and these things are to be expected. Yet those who have been to Saloum can attest that the impositions upon the staff in this operation are particularly inconvenient.

We work ourselves pretty hard trying to meet the urgent requirements of status determination and resettlement of the thousands of refugees in the border, and after a week I decided to take a break this Saturday afternoon and treat myself to a relaxing meal.

My Saturday treat consisted of breadsticks (spelled as “Bread Steaks” in the packaging), the Egyptian version of Nescafe 3-in-1, and Othelo brand sardines from Morocco, which taste almost as good as my favorite Santa Maria brand of Portuguese sardines. I bought all these items from a small shop and was delighted to find them available in Saloum. For “dessert” I had the breadsticks left over dipped in Nutella, which is not available in Saloum, but was brought in by a colleague from Matrouh some 230 km away. It was an exquisite meal, at least for me.

I would love to have a double cheeseburger, fries and a Coke, supersized. But this will have to wait until next year. In the meantime, I praise God for the simple joys of my Saloum Saturday steaks and sardines.

A recent catch-up lunch with a dear lawyer-friend from Singapore led to another reunion with an old college buddy, his brother-in-law, who has since become a bestselling author currently holding the No. 1 spot in National Book Store’s Top Ten Local Bestsellers. The book is Ang Buhay na Hindi Bitin, and the author is Ardy Roberto. That book deals with “how to live life content, blessed and worry-free,” but this is not the subject of this entry. Instead, this is about his 2008 book, The Heart of Healing, a more personal work, a signed copy of which Ardy gave me when we saw each other last week after what seems like decades.

The Heart of Healing: HELP for You and Your Loved Ones (published by OMF Literature Inc., Mandaluyong City) was borne out of the valiant struggle against systemic lupus erythematosus by Ardy’s wife, Tingting, and her miraculous healing and recovery. It has been more than ten years since then, and I actually bumped into Tingting at the elevator lobby and would never have imagined that this vibrant, beautiful woman had been given only a few months to live by her less-than-hopeful doctors. But as Ardy recounts in his remarkable book, faith can move mountains, and miracles do happen.  Ardy identifies four critical elements in healing—hope, encouragement, love, and prayers, which spell out the “HELP” in the book’s subtitle.

Tingting’s miraculous recovery from lupus (the same disease that ended up killing Ferdinand Marcos) is a surprisingly gripping read. Even though this genre appears to have been exhaustively written about already, Ardy was still able to make their story readable and more relatable to a Filipino audience. As devout Christians, Ardy and Tingting credit God for the healing, and rightly so, and the book is peppered with Biblical quotations, which Ardy calls “life passages.” Obviously this might not appeal to readers who are not religious, and I must confess that I too was wary, at the beginning, that the Christian content might be a bit overwhelming. But Ardy found a healthy balance between the religious and the secular/scientific content to make his book readable to a wider audience. This was the similar dilemma I faced with Of God and Men (formerly God Loves Bakla); in the end, I decided to just let the story tell itself, and if an author tells his story straight from the heart, it will sufficiently resonate with readers, Christian and non-Christian alike. And it is apparent that Ardy took the same path with his book.

What I appreciated the most was Ardy’s touching vulnerability as he narrated how he, as Tingting’s principal caregiver, struggled with his own doubts and fears, which gave his story a palpable humanity that readers would identify with. He tried to read and research as much as he could about his wife’s disease, but humbly in the end realized that human knowledge extended only so far, and going beyond the limits required an extraordinary leap of faith. That he and Tingting were able to muster the faith needed to move the Hand of God is the true miracle in the book, in my view. Not every reader is dealing with a relative’s life-threatening ailment, but all of us have our ongoing struggles with faith, determination and perseverance. It is so easy to give up and lose hope in today’s world, to be overwhelmed by the odds stacked against us and our own puny dreams. It felt that way too for Ardy and Tingting, and the scientific evidence against recovery from lupus was overwhelming. But they persisted, with hope and love, with daily foot massages and an abiding faith in the God for whom nothing is impossible, and in the end they heard Jesus saying, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering” (Mark 5:34).

The Heart of Healing and Of God and Men are both testaments to the power of faith to restore health and healing to our fallen humanity. One boy’s inner struggle with his repressed homosexuality is certainly a world apart from Ardy and Tingting’s battle with lupus, but the resolution of our stories is identical: because of a faith that never gave up, God is moved and extends a healing hand, touching our inmost being and restoring us to fullness and health. It is all a matter of faith.

Jesus said that if we had faith the size of a mustard seed, nothing is impossible. For many of us, even a faith that size is difficult to muster, if not impossible. I see this lack of faith constantly—in the negative reactions to P-Noy’s State of the Nation Address, in the constant carping about the pursuit of justice against the previous administration, in the hopelessness against corruption—and how ironic it is that the only predominantly Catholic country in Asia is so lacking in faith. Not the false faith of religious rituals and mechanical Mass-going, of which this country has an over-supply, but the genuine faith in the goodness of humanity and a tenacious hope for the brighter future. The lessons to be learned from Ardy and Tingting’s story are there for the all of us who are so lacking in faith and hope. If lupus can be licked, then corruption can be, too, and homophobia and other social ills as well. It is all a matter of faith.

I have long had this connection with Ricky Martin.

I first heard about him when Menudo came to Manila to perform in a series of concerts in the mid-1980s. Ricky was the smallest member of the five-man Puerto Rican singing group (what we would now call a “boyband”), which also included fan favorites Robby Rosa and Charlie Masso. Foreign acts “live in Manila” have always been a huge deal for music-loving Filipinos, but Menudo was something else altogether. They came at the height of their popularity, and “Menudomania” engulfed the metropolis, with such hits as “Explosion” and “Cannonball” heard and played practically everywhere. I was then a teenager and have never been to concerts of foreign artists, but I really wanted to see Menudo. Most of the Menudo fans, however, were girls, and going to a Menudo concert was not something a boy should be doing. Unless, of course, he had a good excuse, such as he was only accompanying a sister or girlfriend. Since I had neither, I had no choice but to keep my fascination for Menudo (and Ricky, Robbie and Charlie) to myself.

I lost track of Menudo until sometime in the mid-1990s, when this extremely good-looking guy in a tight long-sleeved t-shirt singing in a Spanish-language music video came on my television screen and I was literally transfixed. Oh my God, I said to myself, that is the hottest man I have ever seen. At the end of the video the name of the song and artist flashed onscreen: “Vuelve” – Ricky Martin. I knew I had seen that face before!

Ricky went on to become a global pop sensation, and his songs such as “Maria,” “The Cup of Life” and “Livin’ Da Vida Loca” would take the world by storm. His music was indeed infectious, but there was no denying that his main appeal was his incredible sexiness—that face, that muscular bod, that shakin’ bon-bon. I was very much in the closet at that time, and even just buying his CDs embarrassed me. But his hold on my imagination was strong, and for many years my favorite get-up was the tight long-sleeved tee, which I always associated with Ricky.

I have just finished Ricky’s memoirs, Me, released late last year, in which he finally comes out as a gay man, following an announcement in March 2010 on his website that he was proud to be a “fortunate homosexual man.”  Long been rumored to be gay, Ricky’s revelation still came as a surprise to many. Having also been in the closet and coming out quite recently, I read his coming-out statement and found myself crying, because he sounded so much like me when I came out, and I could feel exactly how he felt, hiding and living in fear all those years. The words he chose to express his acceptance of his sexuality sounded so familiar that a friend joked that Ricky must have read my book God Loves Bakla before finally coming out!

Ricky Martin and I, of course, are two very different people. I have not and will never sing at a World Cup final, win Grammy Awards, or perform before audiences of hundreds of thousands. However, I share something with Ricky that probably no one else can claim, and that is, I also came out to the world through my memoirs, which will be released internationally by Maverick House this October as Of God and Men: A Life in the Closet. I read Ricky’s book in just one day, and it was like hearing the voice of my own brother.

There is honesty and purity in his narration of how he started singing with a wooden spoon as “microphone” and how he enjoyed the applause and adulation of an audience. It is as if the reader has Ricky Martin himself in the room animatedly telling his story. His voice is authentic and sincere. His passion—for performing, for family and friends, for his advocacy—shines through with every sentence and paragraph. While the events he narrates are vastly different from the events in my own life, our voices spring from the same well of truth of our common humanity, suffused with the same pain and joy brought about by our kindred struggle as gay men hiding and running away from our true selves.

Any gay man hiding in the closet would understand and recognize what Ricky is talking about and would appreciate the heartfelt honesty with which he tells his story. But I probably identify with Ricky closer than most because I also had to live in the closet for decades, alternately hiding and denying my sexuality, until the moment came when I had to announce that I was gay to the world. For Ricky and me, the moment came at the same time, when we were 38 years old.

Ricky had an extraordinary childhood, spending his teenage years travelling the world with Menudo. He said he was aware at a very early age that his sexuality seemed different from the other boys, but he refused to think too much about it and simply threw himself into the work of Menudo. He distinguished himself with an excellent work ethic and outstanding discipline, and it was the same during his career as a solo artist. I found it very interesting that Ricky said yes to every invitation—for interviews, appearances, photo shoots, album signings—that came his way, which eventually led to feelings of loss of control and utter exhaustion.  He was still very much that little boy wanting to please his audience, and I could sense that a part of him was always fearful of the possible rejection if he started saying no. It was Madonna who advised him and let him realize that he could disconnect and retake control of his life. And this he did, leading to his spiritual renewal.

Me is divided into nine chapters, starting with Chapter 1, entitled “Becoming a Man” (which recalls the landmark 1992 autobiography of a life in the closet, Becoming a Man: Half a Life Story, by American writer Paul Monette), and ending with Chapter 9, “Onward.” Ricky acknowledges his homosexuality as the principal theme in his “Introduction” and Chapter 1, but he also makes sure that people understand that he is much more than just his sexuality, and does not discuss the subject of his sexual orientation extensively until Chapter 8, “My Moment.” This is different from my approach in GLB, or more properly, OG&M, where I tried to show that my homosexuality was the main theme that played out in practically every major and minor incident of my entire life. Ricky was careful to express other aspects of his story and personality, in order to tell a fully fleshed-out story, but I could sense that he was underplaying the role that his secret struggle with homosexuality played in his own life. This is understandable since, as he explained from the very beginning, he did not want to talk about the lives of others, who have a right to their privacy. But the result is that his teenage years, when many young people begin to discover unwanted desires for persons of the same sex, seem barely touched by this critical developmental struggle. While I could understand that he was so engrossed with his song-and-dance routines with Menudo, I am almost certain that he was also fighting feelings of same-sex attraction at that time, but out of respect for his fellow Menudo members he did not get into this to discourage the needless speculation (I bet it was Charlie! C’mon, Ricky, it must be Charlie, right?). I appreciate Ricky’s discretion, but as someone who grew up in a not so dissimilar situation, I think it is almost impossible that Ricky did not have crushes on his fellow Menudos, and it was his considerable inner strength that saved him during what must have been truly difficult teenage years.

Another theme that Ricky discusses at length is his motivation for his performances, why he likes getting up onstage in front of thousands of people. He says he enjoys making other people happy with his performance and feeling this strong connection with them, although later on in the book, he candidly admits that performing was not enough, and that he needed something more to have real meaning in his life, which he found in his advocacy against human trafficking (Chapter 6) and his experience of fatherhood (Chapter 7).  Ricky is a wonderful, truly exceptional performer, and I think that the joy that he brings to countless people with his music and exuberance is more meaning than many of us will ever muster in our lives. However, as a kindred spirit, I can see that this was not enough for Ricky, because he was still afraid of rejection if people knew who he really was. So he tried even harder than everyone else to be excellent in what he did, and this meant working harder, recording more albums, going on the road for more concerts, in order to get away from the awful truth in the core of his being. This was the same experience for me, as a top student and later on as a lawyer, trying to constantly exceed other people’s expectations of me, in order to escape the truth that deep inside I did not feel that I was a good person. I could read between the lines that Ricky had the exact same experience.

When Ricky finally finds “the role of his life,” with his Ricky Martin Foundation fighting against international human trafficking, and his being a biological father to twins Matteo and Valentino Martin, I could see the pieces of his life finally coming together, and his genuine happiness is truly palpable. When he finally gets to Chapter 8, as Ricky expounds on the issues of his sexual orientation that he had wrestled with all his life, the reader is meant to go back to all the chapters that have gone before and re-examine the events from the prism of homosexuality. Because of who I am and what I have been through, I am able to do this, but I am not sure that heterosexual readers would be able to.  Nonetheless, I think that Ricky made a good call to separate the issues the way that he did, bringing them together only in the end, in order that the naturally sensational elements of his sexuality would not overpower the other important elements of his story.

As I once again read his coming-out letter, and the events leading up to it and immediately following, I found myself moved to the very core of my being, as if reliving my own story, and I could not stop the tears from falling. I especially loved the way Ricky shared his coming out with his mother, how he wanted her to be beside him at that singular moment, and how she “started to cry like a baby.” I cried like a baby too, Ricky.

Me was an absolutely engrossing reading experience for me, and I think that Of God and Men would make an excellent companion piece. The same spirit runs through both books, and the connection that Ricky seeks with his audience is the same connection I speak of in my book, and we are all connected by love.

This connection I have with Ricky Martin is the real thing. I mention him by name in Chapter 17 of my book, “Coming Out,” where I blame him for my wardrobe choices. But Ricky’s name is elsewhere, and everywhere, in my book, since I decided to hide my college best friend behind the name “Ricky.” And our memoirs are coming out at just about the same time, telling the same story, speaking with the same voice, sharing the same dream that through our books other gay people hiding in the closet would come out and discover the indescribable joy and peace that come with living true to one’s own self.

Thank you, Enrique Martin Morales. Muchas gracias, Kiki. You are my brother.

One last thing: the power of coming out with the truth of our homosexual identity is so overwhelmingly positive that it has completely overhauled my own self-image and literally changed how I look to others. I look so much better now than when I was in the closet. To my mind, I now look like Ricky Martin.

No kidding. Go ask my mother.

(I got my copy of Me at National Book Store for P796, 20% off the sticker price of P995 on account of their ongoing Cut-Price Book Sale. Go!)

The decision to resign from Sciaroni & Associates last December came to me with the same blinding clarity that the decision to join the Jesuits did, which is why I believe that this next phase is just as much of a divine calling as a call to the priesthood. I am acutely aware that a career as a gay rights advocate does not promise an easy life, and it is only one’s abiding faith in God that serves as safety net and security blanket. Once again I was walking away from a financially rewarding career in order to pursue something more personally meaningful. I will always be grateful to Brett Sciaroni and Matthew Rendall, partners of the Phnom Penh law firm I worked in for close to three years, because they allowed me to know my real market value (as opposed to UN and NGO work, where professionals are almost always underpaid). But making money has never been that important to me, and I could walk away where others could not afford to. To cushion the impact, I decided to give myself a six-month transition period: I would leave the firm in April and then leave Cambodia in June.

The decision was not without its costs. I had been living in Cambodia for almost a decade and had built for myself a very comfortable life. I had a fabulous apartment, a landlord who treated me like family, and true friends who made Phnom Penh a real home away from home. Life in “the Penh” was, compared to Manila, very cheap, stress-free, devoid of traffic jams, flash floods and the constant security issues. It was rather odd to decide to say goodbye to all of that and return to chaotic, overcrowded Manila. Most of all, it was difficult to leave the place where I had found my true love, who for reasons too complicated to go into at this time could not follow me to Manila.

As if I needed confirmation that I was doing the right thing leaving Cambodia, my book deal with Maverick House Publishers of Ireland came halfway through my transition period. In March this year, Maverick House decided to re-publish God Loves Bakla internationally as Of God and Men, scheduling it for an October 2011 release. It was, to me, a sign from God that He was indeed calling me back home!

An interesting anecdote relates to my book’s new title. It was obvious that God Loves Bakla sounded too ethnic and would make the book a tough sell internationally, so I was asked to think of something more accessible. I suggested “My Secret Life in the Closet.” But my publisher nixed it, saying the book was “more spiritual than most books of its genre.” Thus the decision to retain the word “God” in the title. I was most impressed: my publisher “gets” GLB. I knew then that I have found the right publisher who truly understands my work and can push it to a global audience.

I have always felt that GLB was God’s project. I often told friends, “If it’s God’s project, God will find a way.” I’m not sure where I first heard that saying, but it has certainly proved true in my case time and time again. Having “God” in the title of my book is a big statement in itself, particularly in the area of LGBT advocacy, where the name of God is usually invoked to condemn homosexuals and homosexual behavior. My original title is the antithesis of that common slogan in anti-gay, fundamentalist Christian demonstrations: “God Hates Fags.” I knew that declaring that “God Loves Bakla” would be provocative and offensive to many, but it was a statement that needs to be articulated as a matter of faith and principle. I will continue to invoke the name of God because I have the right to do so, and because no one, not even the Pope, can claim to be the exclusive spokesperson of the Holy Spirit.

And so I have come back to the land of my birth in order to try to contribute to the ongoing struggle for equality, respect and dignity of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons in Philippine society. I am still not sure what shape or form my advocacy will take. I have a lot of ideas, and friends have made many helpful suggestions. I am already a member of Ladlad Partylist, the only LGBT political party in the world (www.facebook.com/angladlad). I am considering setting up an NGO that will work on LGBT issues. There is so much to do. While some things have changed, much remains the same when it comes to the marginalized status of LGBT persons in the country. In the midst of all this, I realize that there is need for discernment, an urgent recourse to prayer and the Holy Spirit for guidance and enlightenment.

I need to take my time. Discernment is essential for an enterprise as important as this. I place my trust in God who will show me the way at the proper time.

If it’s God’s project, God will find a way.

This is the new cover of my book, “God Loves Bakla”, which will be released by Maverick House Publishers internationally in October this year. The new title was chosen by my publisher, who wanted a more accessible, less ethnic-sounding title, and I think it’s a great choice for a title, capturing perfectly the meaning and spirit of my book.

The new cover is fantastic as well. While I liked the original cover of GLB (that’s me in the “Heaven’s Gate” cave at Hoi An in central Vietnam), the new cover is certainly much more classy and professional. The artwork is beautifully done. The open cage suggests a more positive story than my original shadow in a cave. I love the new cover. Kudos to the artists of Maverick House!

The international release of “Of God and Men” has brought new life to this blog, which has been re-titled “Of God, Men and Bakla”. I have come back home to the Philippines after working for ten years in Cambodia (2001-2011) and the reason is that I would like to contribute more actively to the important work of LGBT rights advocacy in the country of my birth. I will report on my plans and activities in more detail in the weeks and months to come. I believe that the issue of equality of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons is the defining issue of our era. “Gay is the new black”, it has been said, and great strides have been made in many Western countries. It’s now time for the Philippines to catch up.

The “new life”, then, refers not just to this blog, but to my own new life, as an openly gay man in my conservative, predominantly Catholic country. I was still in the closet when I left back in November 2001. Ten years later I have changed, my life has changed, and yet I come home to a country that, in many respects, is not much different from the one I escaped ten years ago. But new wine needs new wineskins, so what to do?

Welcome to my new life.

They are also available at Centralbooks outlets, as previously announced.

Thanks to everyone who has bought a copy.

QUEZON CITY
G/F Phoenix Bldg., 927 Quezon Ave., Quezon City
Tel.372-3550 ext.31

MANILA
Ever Gotesco, Manila Plaza Mall, Recto Ave., Manila
Tel.734-6178

MAKATI
G/F Floor, inside Bridges Bookstore, Glorietta 3 Mall, Ayala Center, Makati
Tel. 892-7050

SM MEGA MALL
ORTIGAS CENTER
5th Level, Building A, SM Megamall, Ortigas Center, Mandaluyong City
Tels.638-1088; 638-3540

CEBU
GV Bldg. P. Del Rosario St., Cebu City
Tel.032-253-0784

DAVAO
19-A Bldg. D., Aldevinco Shopping Center, Roxas Ave., Davao City
Tel.082-224-1070

ILOILO
Level 1, Mabini Wing, Robinson’s Place, Iloilo City
Tel. (033) 3380791

CAGAYAN DE ORO
West Concourse, Limketkai Mall, Lapasan, Cagayan de Oro City
Tel. (088) 856-6961

In Cambodia, where it was furst published, God Loves Bakla is available at Monument Books outlets in Phnom Penh and Siem Reap.

Other outlets will be announced soon, including a major national book chain. In the meantime, please tell your friends who are looking for GLB to go to the nearest Centralbooks outlet.

God Loves Bakla

Mobile No. 0915.1814963 globe
Hotline: (02) 508.35.23

Luis hails from Iloilo City. You can read more of his fascinating blog at http://batchoyboi.blogspot.com/

ACHIEVE, Inc.
162-A Sct. Fuentebella Ext., Brgy. Sacred Heart, Q.C.
Tel: 426-6147
Email: achieve_caram@yahoo.com
Claiming time is office hours only: 10:00-5:00 pm (M-F).
Price per copy: P400.00

Other outlets will be announced soon. Provincial orders will include actual shipping cost. A portion of the proceeds will benefit Ang Ladlad Partylist’s party-building activities.

Please help spread the word. And please buy your copy!

In Cambodia, at least.

GLB is now available at Monument Books outlet stores in Phnom Penh and the country’s two international airports (Phnom Penh and Siem Reap) for US$18 a copy (286 pp). It looks grand, in my view, and I think the cover price is reasonable.

If you’re passing by Cambodia, you can get a copy. Sorry, I haven’t quite worked out how to get it distributed in the Philippines. But I hope things will become clearer in this regard in the new year.

Merry Christmas to one and all!